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Lead Me to the Rock that is Higher than I

This is a post I started a month ago. It was at a point when I was really struggling with how to get everything in my life done in the measly hours that the day offers. How to spend time with my family, loved ones and still keep a sane household. I allowed myself to get entirely too caught up and stressed about way too many "small things" until all those small things swallowed me up and tried to drown me. It was really scary being out of control of my emotions this way, but with the help of my sweet husband, mom and my precious LORD I came through it. Below is the rest of the story.
The Beginning:
   I could feel it, the black shroud wrapping itself around my mind and chest. I could see it, piles of laundry, dirty dishes, dirty diapers, the tornado of birthday party leftovers in my kitchen, the things to come and the things that had already been. It was all taking its toll on me. I've always prided myself on my strength of mind and the ability to handle multiple things at the same time with ease. Unfortunately the proverb "pride cometh before the fall" was giving me a high five to the face.
    I had never felt anything like this before. Every muscle in my body was tight and it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. It was so hard to breath. When was the last time I had taken a breather and just sat down. I couldn't remember. My mind was blank, my body numb. I had overdone it again. This wasn't good for my Crohn's, my family or my well-being in general.
   I couldn't even pinpoint exactly what was bothering me. All I knew is that every thought I had just caused more stress. I tried to relax, but I was no longer in charge of my emotions. I had let tiny things like a dirty house and a to do list, build up from a molehill to a mountain. This mountain now towered over everything else in my life.  I was distraught and overwhelmed.
    My sweet husband came home and did the dishes that night. The relief this simple action gave me was beyond belief. The next day I cleaned like a mad woman and never once felt overwhelmed, but there was nothing else on my to do list for that day. All I had to do was clean my home, and it felt good.
    The day after that, I spent the morning getting ready. Then I started on my list of errands and things to do. By 2 o'clock I could already feel my chest getting tight and my mind giving in to the overwhelming incidences of the day. I had never been so vulnerable or out of control of my emotions before. It scared me. My first thought was to fight it. I am still in charge. I gave myself the whole military commando speech. (out loud in the car) It helped, mostly I think because it distracted me.
    I kept thinking is this an anxiety attack, a panic attack or am I going freaking out of my mind? The mind is a strange place, controlled by chemicals and circumstances. But in the end through much prayer and love I came through  it. It lasted 3-5 days. I've never had anything like it before and certainly hope to never encounter it again.
Things that I found that helped:
Talking - Talk to someone. If you have it available, a few different people. Don't talk to someone who isn't going to help and encourage you. Parents, Pastors, Spouses and Counselors are great examples of good people to talk to. Sometimes just talking through what your feeling can do wonders!
Letting Go - It seems to always come back to this, doesn't it? After the second, for the sake of a better word, "Attack", I started to let go of the dirty house. I literally said I don't care, I'm done, that is it NO MORE CLEANING! Once I decided not to clean for someone reason it didn't bother me as much. Maybe it wasn't the dirty house that bothered me so much as the overwhelming impossibility of cleaning it. Either way letting go was key.
Prayer - Yes, I did pride myself of how in control of my mental faculties I was. Even with depression and bi-polar in my gene pool, I was a pretty normal, well controlled person. This was an eye opener to how easy the mind can just go...cuckoo. This experience brought me closer to the LORD and a realization of my dependence on him. He is my rock, my foundation, without Him I'm standing in sinking sand.
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  1. Awesome post! I often suffer from anxiety and stress. I'm in constant battle to turn it over to the Lord. Sometimes I just want to hold on to feel in control. Ultimately the Lord is and I need to let go. Thanks for sharing!

    1. Thank you so much for the encouraging comment :) It is something I have to struggle with everyday. Giving over my cares and worries each time to the LORD.


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